Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
FUCK WHALES
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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