i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
