Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
