Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize