Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I have tasted many bathrooms
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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