She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
