I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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