me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
