I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
They have beer where we have blood.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
