walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
