Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
third nipple confirmed
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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