Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
