so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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