Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
