I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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