he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
