My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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