I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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