Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
