I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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