GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
