My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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