I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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