I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
