planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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