I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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