During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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