I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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