I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
