Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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