How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
