Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
there is glitter all over my balls
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