im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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