Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
