At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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