i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
