hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
