I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
