My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
