I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize