If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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