I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
