So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
