He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
