I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize