I think I died a long time ago.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
