I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
