is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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