My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
