I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
