She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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