I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
