i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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