I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
