please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
