I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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