saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
