I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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