so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
